by Trey Nosrac

My ninth grade remedial science instructor, Mr. Hemplewhite, began my second tour of Introduction to Biology by repeating this axiom: the human population is split into two categories, male and female. Last week tested this theory. One of my Lyft customers was a six-foot, six inch tall transvestite named Monetta. He, or she, was very nice, but Monetta knew nothing about horse racing and wanted to talk politics.

He, or she, reminded me of one of those irksome topics that fixates me and prevents me from living a normal life — what keeps women away from gambling on horses (except on special days where ladies get to wear funny hats)?

According to Google, even if you filter out the LGBTQ communities, there are more women than men due to males getting killed in foreign wars and stress related deaths due to excessive alimony payments. I am sure that more women than men hop into my Lyft chariot. However, a very low percentage of women gamblers follow horse racing.

The whole thing does not make sense. Women seem to love horses. Every young girl seems to go through a horsey period. Women gamble; stick your head into any church bingo hall and you will see a sea of fuzzy blue heads crouched over a dozen bingo cards with the intensity of neurosurgeons. Peek into a casino and women are pushing buttons like telegraph operators sending news of an invading army.

Women are terrific at gossiping and second-guessing, two primary racetrack prerequisites. Women are just as likely to want to escape the house, spouse and kids. Women are capable of financial and mathematical computations; as evidenced by families like mine where males must swear a blood oath never to touch a checkbook.

The miniscule percentage of female horse racing fans is perplexing. I can usually fabricate a complex and compelling theory for everything; the Middle East Crisis, nuclear fusion, Global Warming, male pattern baldness, The Donald’s appeal, Pokemon Go, and the tattoo epidemic – but female non-participation remains problematical to me.

Research suggests that men gravitate towards casino table games and track betting. Women are attracted to games such as bingo and casino slots. Researchers have hypothesized that play pattern disparities exist because of inherent differences between the natures of men and women. Women are considered more social creatures.

After my next passenger, I will head to the harness track for some research.

……………

Okay, I’m back at work, which for me means sitting in a Prius, listening to Acoustic Jam on Sirius Radio, waiting for my iPad to blink and spur me into action. It also gives me time for data analysis.

Last night, between races five and six, I counted the race fans seated in the grandstands. The total was 267. Counting them was easy due to the fact that a majority of them appeared to be semi-comatose. I then counted the various genders, 240 men and 10 women (seven patrons were somewhat questionable, including a large person wrapped in a Serape and straw hat). I placed the data in my pocket.

Okay, let’s see, 10 of 260 is…excuse me while I find the calculator app on my iPad. Okay, now, 10 out of 260…hmmm. Let’s just estimate. Not many of the harness racing patrons were female. This exercise brings two questions to mind that have always plagued me — why do I have such difficulty with simple math, and where are the women?

I am an action guy. I have a two part plan to address this problem.

*Part One – The social issue that is keeping female attendance down will be tackled by posting on Facebook. I will filter so potential FB readers are local and I will present the post in the form of a list because people are suckers for lists. I will also use an alias for legal reasons.

Five Reasons WHY women should start attending the harness horse racetrack:

1) Virgin territory for man hunting. A great number of racetrack type men are single or divorced, about to be divorced, or pretend to be single or divorced.

2) Competition is suspect. Beautiful and elegant women are somewhat rare at the racetrack (except at funny hat events).

3) The races are a handy conversation topic. Should you, as a woman, engage a “railbird” male in conversation, you can avoid those annoying lulls of an hour or so that occur in normal social situations. A simple question asked through batted eyelashes like, “Which horse do you think will win this race?” will unleash 30 minutes of non-stop, semi-intelligible talk. After the horse loses, another 30 minutes of verbiage will be needed to explain why the race did not unfold as promised. One hour of conversation from just one race.

4) Many of the available men at a racetrack have free time. Aside from post time, we are flexible because few of us are gainfully employed. Quite a few racetrack veterans have retired long ago. Nevertheless, these gentlemen will have hours to lavish attention on women between racing programs and any other therapeutic programs in which they are enrolled.

5) Security Guards are always on duty. I believe this is a state law at all racetracks.

Women, we need you at the racetrack. Racetrack men are a lot of things, but we are not chauvinists. Most of us can’t even spell chauvinist. We sit alone in the racetrack grandstands and clubhouses, day after day, night after night, wasting our lives. It’s fun at the racetrack. Grab a girlfriend. Grab some cash. Be a trailblazer.

*Part Two – The Trey Taxi To The Track. Each Wednesday and Friday that the harness track is open for live racing, the first female (or females) to flash onto my Lyft screen after 6 p.m. using the passenger name LADYLUCK will receive a free ride (up to 20 miles) to the local harness racetrack. When I drop you off at the racetrack, I will give you a free HOT TIP on the first race.

Your chariot awaits.