by Trey Nosrac

Waiting at curbside parking of Happy Grillmore Barbecue, I turned to David in the passenger seat and asked, “What’s the proper pandemic protocol for curbside pickup? Are you supposed to tip? Can they take cash?”

“Rest your restless mind. I took care of the tip when I ordered.”

“What about masks? The person who brings out the food wears one, but should the customer in the car wear one, too?”

“Why not? It’s just a mask, not a face tattoo.”

I nodded and slipped my mask on, “Hey, speaking of pickups, I’ve got a great idea.”

“Great, how?” he asked.

“To grow the sport, you know, to find new people to bet on the races. And get this, the idea could be a multi-tasker. It could include dating, small business, education and excitement all in a single package.”

He grimaced. “I’m afraid to ask.”

“Never fear,” I said as I handed him my phone. “This is my prototype. I could post it on any dating app, no messing around, no lying, no photoshopping, just a straight deal. It begins with two headshots and a question.”

Looking for a good time?

My name is Trey. I am a currently single, semi-employed male who falls somewhere between Brad Pitt (movie star) and William, the Younger, Pitt, who was elected Prime Minister of the United Kingdom in 1783 at age 24 despite his sickly disposition.

Alas, the appearance scale tilts closer to William, the Younger. By the way, William, the Younger, Pitt, is often rated as the most extraordinary Prime Minister in the nation’s history despite only living to age 46 while frequently suffering from gout and losing his mind towards the end of his life.

But I digress. I am in search of a pliable woman open to new experiences.

Among my dubious talents is a vast knowledge of harness horse racing, a sport where horses pulling carts race each other in circles, sort of like chariot racing. This pastime is more fun than it sounds. People wager money on the results of the races. Some people allege they can earn money wagering on the results of these races. I am one of those people.

I am in search of a woman to mentor. My mentoring will be an introduction to the intriguing sport of harness horse racing. Should you be such a woman, you need four qualifications before we can arrange a meeting:

• $100 of disposable income
• Curiosity
• A sense of humor
• Currently does not have a violent husband or boyfriend

You do not need to know anything about gambling or harness horse racing. The less you know, the more you will have the opportunity to learn.

The terms of our engagement are simple:

We will set up a Skype, Facetime, or Zoom session for approximately two hours. We will begin by spending a few minutes in witty and possibly exaggerated repartee.

I may even regale you with additional trivia on William, the Younger, Pitt. Things such as the fact that despite being a great orator, he was painfully shy, never married, wore one of those silly wigs, and entered parliament as a member from Appleby. Appleby, no relation to the American restaurant chain, was a pocket borough where the electorate was so small the major landowner influenced all the voters. William did not abide this, so next term, he ran as a Chatham member.

There is a long-standing controversy over William’s dying words. His biographer, James Stanhope, writes that he said, “Oh my country, how I love my country.” Other sources suggest that his last words were, “I believe I could eat another of Bellamy’s pies.”

But I digress again. After our social engagement, we will get to the focal point of our affair.

I will become your mentor/guru in the exotic world of harness horse racing gambling. Using a split-screen, headphones, colorful graphics, and on-line resources, I will slowly and enthusiastically introduce you to this exciting new world of gambling on harness horse racing.

During this session and any subsequent sessions, I will explain various aspects of the sport, including opening a wagering account. Then I will help you select wagering options for a series of races, direct you to racetrack sites, and slowly and patiently teach you the rudiments of gambling on horses that trot and pace.

Consider me a semi-professional businessman of an entrepreneurial nature whose business happens to be rather loosely structured and high risk. However, my professionalism does not preclude us from having a good time.

My fee for services is simple. At the end of our two-hour session, if you have not made money wagering horses under my tutelage, there is no fee. We chalk up the evening as a social experience. Should you desire, we can schedule a follow-up session.

Should you earn money wagering during my two-hour tutelage, you are requested to mail me 10 per cent of your net earnings electronically.

For a good time, email Trey at [email protected].