by Murray Brown

NOTE: My apologies in advance. This column has absolutely nothing to do with harness racing.

I just returned from a four-day, three-night jaunt to Las Vegas.

I hadn’t been to Vegas since well before COVID-19. I’m not sure of the date, but it was probably the last year the USTA held their annual meeting out there. Out of the sometimes depraved entity that I call my mind I had a “Jones” to spend a few days in Sin City. The days when I could get in trouble other than losing more money than I should were long past.

I am going on 83. I thought if I were to go it would likely be the last time I were to visit. I asked my wife Carol if she would like to go with me. “Absolutely not,” she responded. “I hate it out there. I have no interest whatever in gambling and all the smoke in the casinos sickens me.” I told her that I still would like to go, even if only accompanied by my best friend (myself). She said, “Then, you should go.”

Back in the day, I played enough that I was always comped by the casino where I stayed.

At the last minute, I decided to throw up a Hail Mary. I called casino marketing at Caesars Palace and asked what, if anything, they could do for me. They looked up the last time I had played there. It had been about a decade ago. They would comp me for the three nights in the Coliseum Tower. I knew that the Coliseum was the former Forum Tower, which was the least attractive and oldest part of the Caesars resort. But I reasoned I could deal with that if necessary. After all, based on my past history in Vegas, I wouldn’t be spending much time in the room anyway. Caesars is great. It’s extremely well located right in the middle of the Strip. If there was anything further where I wanted to be, there were always taxis. I felt that I couldn’t walk anywhere too far because my back problems will always flare up if I walk anywhere more than the equivalent of a city block.

The day before I left, I found out Garth Brooks was in Vegas performing at Caesars Palace. Brooks may be Carol’s favorite performer ever. His song “Friends in Low Places” is without any doubt her favorite song. I mentioned to Carol that Brooks is in Vegas. “I can still try to get you on the plane tomorrow, if you want,” I said to her. She mulled it over for a second and said, “Never mind. I love Garth Brooks, but I hate Las Vegas even more. Just go without me and have a great time.”

My flight left JFK early Sunday morning. The plane was full, but it left on time. Five-and-a-half hours later, I landed in Vegas and I hopped in a cab to the hotel. That’s when sticker shock set in. The cab fare was $30. It used to be around $10.

When I get to the check-in desk, I figured I would try the $20 trick. I picked this up on the Internet. When you check in, you place a $20 bill between your ID and your credit card. It’s designed to get you an upgrade on your room. You might call it bribery, which of course it is. I figured if $20 gets an upgrade, $50 will probably get me more. It works. I ask if I can get a room in the Augustus Tower, Caesars best. I especially want it because the tubs are of the spa variety. After a day of walking and sitting at the tables, a water massage in the tub really hits the spot. The clerk tells me that there is nothing in Augustus available at the moment, but he will call me when one becomes vacant. Sure enough, an hour or so later, he calls. In the interim, I’ve been killing time at the blackjack tables. I hold my own — neither winning nor losing much. I get checked into my room.

By then its past 11 a.m. and since I’m still on east coast time, I’m hungry. I decide to satisfy another Jones. There’s an In-N-Out Burger joint across the road and a relatively short distance from Caesars. I say relatively because relative to my back issue, anything more than a slight hop becomes a painful chore. Accompanied by my trusty cane “Bubba Stik,” I decide to make the trip. Bubba Stik was purchased at a travel rest area someplace in South Carolina many years ago when my back was still healthy. I bought it on a whim, simply because it looked interesting. To say that through the years it has served me well would be a huge understatement. It’s a hardwood cane topped by a heavy brass knob. If I ever had the opportunity to use it on someone, they would know they’ve been hit. It has traveled all over the world with me for at least a decade. Bubba has been lost on innumerable occasions, fortuitously always turning up. On this trip alone, there were times at the blackjack tables, slot machines, Joe’s Stone Crabs and even a Burger King at the airport where I lost it and went back for Bubba and still found him where he had been left.

On to In-N-Out. It was as good as always. They were mobbed. I was order number 146. They were at 67. But they are incredibly efficient. Within 10 minutes, I had my double cheeseburger, no lettuce, well done, animal style with fries and a strawberry shake. It was as good as always. I struggled back to Caesars. My back was aching. I played blackjack with a little three card poker the rest of the day.

My daughter Jennifer was supposed to fly in and have dinner with me and my brother-in-law Bobby Stein at Joe’s Stone Crabs, but Jen’s plane had engine trouble and she was stranded in Phoenix. “Go ahead and enjoy dinner,” she said.

I decide to walk to Joe’s, which is not the best idea. Although it’s in the same building complex as Caesars, it’s still a considerable distance. I managed to get lost several times adding to the distance. Bubba and I finally reach Joe’s with me hurting pretty badly. Stein and his friends were already there and we sat down. Dinner was excellent, although their menu was missing the dish I always get when eating at their sister restaurant in Miami, their lobster roll.

One thing about my back condition, it hurts like hell when I stand or walk for any distance. However, when I sit, the pain disappears. Now rested, I decide to walk back to the hotel. I somehow do make it back, but I was in terrible pain. But it didn’t stop me from hitting the tables. I lose a little, but not too much. While playing I get a call from Jen. She has made it to Vegas. She is at The Cosmo. “Let’s meet for breakfast at my favorite Vegas restaurant Mon Ami Gabi at the Paris,” I said. It’s about halfway between Caesars and the Cosmopolitan. We meet there and enjoy a leisurely breakfast enhanced by the great company. I am so happy that we are together. It has been so long since we have done this.

After breakfast, we decide to play some blackjack at Caesars. Jen is an excellent player and plays absolutely by the book. We were up and down, mostly down for me, but I didn’t get destroyed. After a few hours, we decide to head back to our rooms to rest. Jen goes back to the Cosmo, but I decide instead to play my favorite slots game Buffalo Chief. We agree to meet at 5 p.m. at Bellagio where we will be eating dinner at Ellis Island. I had seen on YouTube that the restaurant supposedly has the best fish ‘n’ chips in Vegas, maybe the best anywhere. The fish ‘n’ chips were as advertised, but the order was far too big. I was presented with four large pieces of excellent battered cod — crispy on the outside and moist on the inside. I managed to get halfway through before saying “No Mas.” Walking back to Caesars was out of the question. I was whipped. We took a cab back. We sat down at a blackjack table. I lost, but, fortunately, Jen won. I went to bed and Jen continued playing and did well.

The next morning Jen headed back to Colorado. What to do? Would you believe I walked most of the strip from Caesars all the way to the new Fontainebleu and back. How did I accomplish such a monumental feat? I stopped at each and every casino, first on the west side then on the east. Every time my back hurt, which meant at every casino, I’d sit down at a slot machine or a table, rest up, usually leave a deposit and then continue on my journey. I made it back, but was lightened somewhat in the pocketbook.

That evening I thought I’d treat myself to the Bacchanal buffet at Caesars. The price is $92 a head. Was it worth that high of a price? If you were a huge eater, maybe. For me, probably not. The choices were enormous. They offered just about anything you might want. I had some lobster claws, a requested very thin slice of prime rib and a small dab of mashed potatoes. The desserts were amazing. They had what seemed like hundreds of mini pastries and crepes prepared to order and some wonderful gelato. The price proved to be inconsequential, since the host who was assigned to me saw to it that the casino picked it up.

I played for about two hours more and lost. I was exhausted and went to bed.

I then woke up at 3 a.m. ready for bear. I had nothing to do, so I played some more to mixed results.

My plane home left on time and we arrived 40 minutes early.

On the flight, I watched three of the greatest movies ever made: American Graffiti, Casablanca and Gigi.

It was a great trip, but I’m glad to be home.